I want to talk about this fear of food, of eating. Like I said in my previous post, that day that I split my pants I became afraid to eat. The concepts of food (of any kind) and fatness became joined. I couldn’t eat, say, 300 calories spread throughout the day because I knew that with each bite, the next would be exponentially more difficult to resist. I’ll now shift to present tense:
I’ll be completely exhausted, lacking even the energy necessary to lie comfortably, suffering from piercing headaches or unwarranted nausea, knowing it’s self-induced, but also knowing that I’ll be just as miserable if I eat. My body tries to tell me that I could eat just a little, just maybe 30 calories of carrot or something equally innocuous but my mind knows from experience that, by this point, it’s going to take a lot more than 30 calories to replenish my energy. I know that when I starve my body, any small amount of food I give it will not be converted into usable energy but will be hoarded…not stored as fat, probably, but certainly not applied to restoring my usual peppiness, that’s for damned sure.
I don’t really battle with hunger pangs. Here’s what I do battle with: Deep, almost meditative exhaustion; spells of vague dizziness; muscle failure; insomnia; depression. Unfortunately, this isn’t every day. Some days, I get started eating and it touches off a binge. It starts in slow-motion: “Wow, I’m literally falling over; I need to eat something. This tastes amazing, maybe a little more.” And so on until, by evening, it’s a full-on hand-to-mouth. Lots of days I can avoid this. Having a tiny (70-80 calorie), high fiber, high protein breakfast helps a lot, giving me a little kick-start for the day. I try to make it to mid-afternoon before eating a little, as little as possible while still helping me out. Then I’ll have something voluminous and salty, like soup, for dinner right before bed so that I can go to sleep before I try to eat more. It’s so, so hard to stop eating in the afternoon. The afternoon snack has to be positively miniscule. It’s like I have to avoid really activating my stomach, otherwise it clues in to its deprivation and demands more food. It doesn’t do this with hunger pangs but with a more insidious compulsion.
I just get so tired. I have so much to do and it can’t get done when all I want is to lie flat on my back and watch clouds shifting.
The gym and pool reopened this last Monday when classes started back up for the fall semester. I’ve been burning 450-600 calories and will burn more once I start back in on lifting weights (first thing tomorrow morning!).
Things I’ve noticed:
It’s hard to stay hydrated. I don’t know why, but I’m super dried out and am always craving salty things. Vegetable soup and zero-cal PowerAde have become close friends of mine. I don’t really get thirsty and so I have to remind myself to drink.
I get constipated. It’s the distasteful truth. This comes from not eating and can be alleviated in a number of ways: Hot coffee is my favorite since I LOVE coffee and it works every time; I have some stimulant-laxative herbal tea that works but makes for unpredictable bowels and should NOT be used except for right before bed; I’ve heard that a little glass of red wine really helps but haven’t tested this—I plan to, though, since I’ve all but given up drinking. Constipation makes my midriff thick, makes me feel fat, makes me feel like my efforts are being wasted and, as occurred today, made me feel like eating (it’s all so completely, completely illogical and persistently impulsive). I binged today. I ran out of time for my usual cups of coffee this morning and felt bloated until this evening when I finally got around to enjoying my hot beverage.
Experimenting with the vegan lifestyle is awkward because no matter how nonchalant one tries to be about it, it always seems pretentious. Pretentiousness is not, however, as awkward as the neurotic avoidance of food. This is not why I chose to go vegan but it has been useful.
O Organics vegetable broth tastes super hearty but is only 5 calories per 8oz.
It is (or was before midnight) exactly three months until Thanksgiving. I sort of initiated a vegan lifestyle earlier this week but have since eaten meat, cheese, eggs…bleh. But this is really perfect. The plan was and is to try it for three months and to record the effects it has on my body, like weight loss, improved joint health and flexibility, improved attention, etc. Well, now I have precisely that span of three months between now and Thanksgiving, which I would never in a million years want to experience as a vegan. I can’t describe to you the delight that is Thanksgiving at my parents’ place, at my mother’s table.
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