I had the best weigh in last night that I’ve ever had the past two months! I lost another 3 pounds which brings me to 190 lbs! I was giddy as a five year old on Christmas Day but tried to hold it in the entire class because I would have felt uncomfortable doing my happy dance in front of everyone. And let’s face it, if I were having a bad weight week and someone did their happy dance it might make me just want to go home and eat and feel sorry for myself. I didn’t want to be responsible for that. As I was trying to contain my giddiness I was also working hard to push back the creeping feelings of fear and dread that wanted to come out to do their dance too. Why? Let’s look back …
If you remember my post on February 2 I wrote “My first goal is to make it down to 190 by the end of March. It’s very doable but I will have to keep working at things they way I am right now in order to achieve it.” My trainer remembered this one and jokingly said that she must be done with me since I’ve made my goal weight already. I told her it wouldn’t be that easy to get rid of me. But she already touched on something that was beginning to work on me once I saw my weight. I’ve done it … what now?
I let myself be happy for a while, not thinking about tomorrow just living in the moment. I made annoyingly happy phone calls to my sister (who herself has lost a lot of weight without the fanfare I was commanding last night – thanks for putting up with me sis) to a friend that I knew would genuinely be happy for me and of course the happy dance for my husband.
I went to bed happy … I woke up tired. Maybe I should have resolved the other issues that were yelling to be heard before I went to sleep because I’m pretty sure I gave them extra time to work on my self conscious and my mind was against me from the time I woke up. I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t want to get dressed and I certainly did not want to work out at 6 am! Every minute it took me to get dressed was another minute of trying to talk myself out of it. Why can’t I do it later? Maybe tonight? Those are some dangerous suggestions for a person like me because there is always something else that has to be done later.
I still went down to work out and it’s a good thing I was doing it alone because I was really in a mood by the time I made it down there. I started on the stationary bike and the whole time I complained to myself about the seat and how the whole thing isn’t adjusted right for my height and how my shoulders hurt. I made it 10 minutes and switched to the elliptical. After just 5 minutes on the elliptical I started thinking of reasons for getting off. You know the my knee hurts, I’m thirsty I really do have to pee reasons. I knew what was going on, my body was working on auto pilot – doing everything it always does to workout in the morning – and my mind was simply throwing a tantrum and had thrown itself on the floor vowing not to budge. By the 10 minute mark on the elliptical I knew I had to do something quick or I wasn’t going to make it to even 20 minutes of working out. I even started thinking I should get off early to write this blog post!
Just as I have had to distract a child to get it out of it’s fit I too had to distract my self, trick myself to keep on going. Usually focusing on the music helps a lot but it didn’t this time. So first I tried the usual visualization of me on a beach feeling happy and good about myself. That didn’t work. Then I started picturing myself with my after body – fit and slightly muscular. You know the ones on the front of the Fitness magazines that we always buy because we want the rock hard abs in 3 minutes a day. It was surprising how hard it was for me to visualize myself in shape – muscular and trim with a two pack (I have to be realistic now). I couldn’t get myself there for a couple of minutes. I couldn’t see myself in my head that way. All the working out I’ve been doing with all the focus on my body and I could not easily see myself at the end.
The simple notion of getting to the end was the problem last night. Pound by pound things seem small. Last night knowing that I’d lost a good amount of weight faster that I had anticipated created a problem. I now have to make another mental shift. I’m now entering a new weight bracket on the scale. To be in the 180s is something I haven’t seen in a long time. But now 190s has to be unacceptable. There is no going back. Just because I’ve lost a lot of weight I can’t say I’m done but knowing that this is just the beginning can tire me some days.
I think I started this program the same way a lot of us start this kind of thing. I started with the possibility of it working this time. I would think – it would be nice if I could lose weight over the next two months. Never did I say I will lose weight in the next couple of months. That is why each pound lost has been celebrated with excitement. I never looked at the scale and instantly said – that’s right I deserve loosing that pound because I worked hard this week. I would look at the new weight and say Whoo hoo! (In my head of course) The difference is I was working out and eating right HOPING that it would work when I should be doing the same KNOWING it will. Expecting for it to come off because there is no other option. Only with that realization can I make sure I make this a life change. I can only make it to my goal weight by knowing it will be done not hoping that I’ll just get close.
So next time I weigh in and see a pound lost my reaction will be – YES! that’s right I better have lost something … and then do my happy dance.
We all deserve to do our happy dance. Share yours and I’ll put it up here on the blog.
Time for some new goals!
~c
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