I just popped three laxies. I weighed myself this morning with mu underwear on. 52 kilos. Well, morning might be a bit off, it was one in the afternoon, but I had gotten up around twelve and had already eaten breakfast. The boyfriend was staying over. He knows about the eating issues, so it’s important I eat in front of him. I didn’t want him to see me on the scale, so I had to shoo him out of the bedroom and almost instigated yet another fight …
He’s not the worst boyfriend in the world. Not at all. He even tries to be the best. He is very loving and caring, funny and smart. All the things I want in a man. It just pisses me off immensely that I try to look my best for him almost all the time, and he hasn’t even gotten a haircut in six months! And now he has like half green, half brown hair that sticks out over his ears and curls around his neck. Ugh. I care for him, very much so, but I cannot have sex with a man that doesn’t turn me on … A sneaking suspicion tells me that the lack of sex (=exercise) could be what has brought this undue weight gain on.
Tomorrow I head out to see my therapist. The day after that I have a preliminary exam at a clinic for eating disorders. It’s so stupid, but I hate myself so much fpr gaining weight right before going to see a doctor for this condition. No one takes me seriously about my mental health issues, and I jusst wanted them to look at me and understand that I am not well. But I’m also pleased about it, you know. ‘Cause maybe now I’ll be able to continue on and lose again. I won’t have to maintain a higher weight than 49, a number I am more than comfortable with, and no one will check up on me. That would be pretty sweet.
I’m ambivalent. As in all aspects of life.
I have a major problem with eating when I’m bored. I have nothing to do right now and I keep thinking about all the different meals I could make for myself … I’m not really hungry, just I’ve come to think of eating as a pastime. I really need to shape up and start reading more or just exercising whenever I’m bored. I have tons of motivation (like the aforementioned doctor’s appointment), but little to no energy at the moment. I’ve never been into exercising. No one in my family plays any sports, except my dad who’s a soccer referee a couple of months every summer. I played a little badminton when I was younger, which I remember as being really fun … I was born with a heart condition which wasn’t diagnosed until I was seventeen. My mother thinks that’s the reason I never liked sports and always skipped gym classes. That my body made my mind think sports were boring, because I couldn’t participate. It makes sense somewhere deep down, where the hippie woman who drinks green tea and lights incense in me lives.
What’s your favourite sport? Do you prefer exercising alone or with others? What the hell motivates people, perhaps you, to get out of bed or off the couch and over to the gym?
I’m heading off to my boyfriend’s soon. Gonna drop and do some crunches before then though. Or else my conscience won’t let me leave this apartment. I’m also bringing some of the food bf bought for me today; generosity is a great way to cover for wanting to get rid of food.
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