I know, I know, scold me all you will, I’m dreadfully sorry that it has been so very long since I last updated my blog. And, of course, it’s no excuse but I have been dreadfully sick and trying to start over living on campus and working out what classes still have work and figuring out my schedule for next semester etc. So, I’ve been really stressed out which means I haven’t exactly stuck to my new big plan of quitting bulimia and putting on weight, I’m sorry. Thankfully, however, I have been doing pretty good about keeping weight on. I’m happy to announce that I’ve been at a very stable and healthy 109 pounds for the past week. I do realize that that’s not terribly healthy looking, you can still see my bones too much and the black under my eyes is still quite apparent but, I’m working on it.
As you may recall, in my last post I’d given all of you an e-mail address in which you could send me questions or comments regarding bulimia or whatever you chose. I did get a little bit of feedback and I appreciate those of you who had nice things to say. However, I did get some nasty mail from a few individuals who shall remain anonymous. I do want to address what they have accused me of though, so the topic of this post will be the subject of bulimia and me being okay with you going ahead and doing it.
Like I have said in many a posts in this blog, I am a struggling bulimic. I was unhappy with my body, I hated every thing about it. I’m Polish so I have those baby giving hips and sharp curves, I’m a woman who really is not meant to weigh less than 130 pounds. But, I was heavy, not obese. It made me depressed, because it wasn’t just me who took notice. And it’s normal to be picked on at school by all of the skinny stick bitches who have the sexy football playing boyfriends, and it’s normal to go home and cry about it and look in the mirror and hate yourself. But that’s where the problems lie; we look at ourselves in the mirror and plot a change that doesn’t happen. We lay in bed and tell ourselves that we will take the initiative and lose weight by eating better and exercising. But, we don’t keep to it. Sadly, this is what I’d come to realize. I noticed that whenever I made a promise to myself it was ruined by a delicious platter of food. Beautifully crafted food that was so accessible and so easy to feast upon without realizing what I truly was eating. I was eating the fat that I hated on my body. I was condoning it, I hated myself but I condoned it. And then, it hit me, like a bolt of lightning to the forehead, I could eat all of this and I could just vomit it all up. I could feel the satisfaction and joy of eating those delicious things and also get rid of the guilty feeling I’d always felt afterwards.
Now, bulimia is not something to be taken lightly, I want you all to know that. It’s not something I approve of, but it’s not something I can’t speak well of. True, it may have gotten me sick a few times, it may have caused my hair to fall out a little bit, or my teeth to slightly yellow. But, I got the outcome I desired. I got a body to die for. That was some of the confusion in the e-mails, that I was approving of bulimia. I don’t, not at all. But I do believe that it’s something of choice, it’s all up to you! Like I’ve said before, if you want to be bulimic I really and truly will help you. I will give you advice and guidance so that you don’t end up as one of the normal bulimic people, you will be able to hold back and know the tricks of the trade. I don’t want you to be bulimic, but if you choose to be, I want you to do it right and treat it right. Because, one wrong move and you could end up in a lot of places you don’t want to be. So keep your friends close, and me closer, because I will help.
Bottom line is I know what it’s like to look in the mirror and hate who you are, but I also know what it’s like to look in the mirror and love who you are. And I’ve got to tell you, loving who you are is a hell of a lot better. The thrill of literally seeing weight fall off of you is like a high, to go into your favorite store and buy clothes 4 sizes smaller and catch the eyes of the cutest guy at the supermarket or a restaurant is exhilarating. I’ll admit, the first thing I did when I hit 110 pounds was run out to my favorite clothing store and buy the shortest, cutest dress there. It’s a white sun dress, to my mid-thigh, maybe shorter, and it haltered and x’d in the back, simple and white. I paired it with a cute strappy flat sandal and went to the summer carnival in my town. I straightened my long red hair and put on some light make up, just enough to catch and eye, and let me tell you…I caught a lot of eyes. Up until that moment I had no idea what it was like to be stared at, or to feel lust being thrown in your direction and it feels amazing. Maybe all of this sounds vain, but, if you only knew…
All my love,
American Girl
P.S. Don’t forget to e-mail me at reallifebulimia@yahoo.com
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