Important questions to consider:
1. Why do I lose steam just when things start looking up again?
2. Why do I let set backs take me back to the beginning?
3. Why is it so hard to face myself?
4. Am I really destined for failure?
So, what’s bringing this on? I don’t really know when everything started falling apart. I don’t know when I sort of started falling off track. But it happened. I guess I thought I was at some sort of plateau and it may have started that way, but I stopped working as hard. I let myself miss a few days at the gym. I ate a couple of fries. That turned into a whole order of fries. I felt defeated. I didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t want to face the scale. I spent more time away from the gym. I ate more of those damned fries.
Then I started again. I started losing again like crazy. I got motivated again. Then the wagon hit a bump and I fell right back off.
I haven’t weighed in about 2 weeks. I’m afraid to weigh. I’m afraid to get on the scales. I don’t want to see the numbers. I don’t want to even look at myself in the mirror.
This stupid foot is really holding me back. I’m seriously thinking about just forgetting that it’s broken and doing what I need to do anyway. I don’t think it will heal back right. I’m headed toward a non-union anyway. Options will be surgical repair or just living with it. Which, of course, means, that I won’t be able to run. The stairs kill me. I might could handle the elliptical, but that’s probably about it.
All I know is that I have to do something, even if that means that I write down every bite of food that I eat again. I hate that. I hate keeping up with everything. That’s why I eat the same thing every day (or I did anyway). It was working. If I eat the same thing, then I don’t have to think about how much it is. I already know that it’s the right amount….not too much….not too little.
I’m thinking that I need to look back to where I was in the beginning. I’ve said before that I look at myself in the mirror and see myself completely unchanged. All I see is fat staring back at me. Sometimes I feel like that that’s all I’ll ever be is the fat girl. But I don’t want to be.
So it should be easy….just don’t be. Make the change. It should be easy. And it was easy for so long. I had a powerful drive behind everything pushing me forward. Somewhere along the way, it got harder.
But I can’t quit.
Something has to push me again. Some how I have to get it back.
I see the difference here….. just not in the mirror. You’d think that would help some…. but I think that seeing the same old me in the mirror all the time just gets me discouraged!
I’ve got to quit whining….and just do it. and stick with it.
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