Hello, all! I got called in to work tonight, so I am a little late posting. Of course I had to fit in quality time with my hubby (recorded shows we needed to catch up on). He is pretty spectacular, I have to say. He cooked breakfast this morning and he is excellent to help out around the house if I have to work a lot! That’s a very nice thing to have- a true partner.
He is also often my partner in crime when it comes to food, since we both LOVE to cook and eat. We have to make a conscious effort not to get things we like. We don’t have many vices, really, other than each other and food. We aren’t big drinkers. I like Pinot Noir very occasionally. Neither of us were ever into drugs. I’ve certainly been around a lot of it with my tendency to go to hardcore rock concerts whenever I have the chance, and I did go to college. But I’ve never partaken myself. I don’t think I ever will. If you like it, that’s just one more necessity.
I’m more excited about ordering my supplies for classes now. Sometimes I think I’m filling my head with dreams. Other times, I think more people should dream. The fact that I have had to teach myself to daydream is astounding. Daydreaming instead of hard-copy planning is a new thing altogether. The fear daydreaming won’t yield results has made it less appealing before. Now, I think that is the only way anything concrete will happen. I’m staying open to new ideas, new ways of getting the career I really want, and new ways of being our little family of three musketeers. I’m hardly traditional, and this presents a challenge. Just because I gave birth, I will not allow the real me to die. I will not start wearing “momwear,” or not wearing my makeup that I heart, or trading the music I want to enjoy for Dora’s Greatest Hits. I will get censored versions when I can to play in my daughter’s presence, but other than that, no censoring will be happening at my house!
On some level, losing the weight I have used for a buffer will be strange. I didn’t have any trouble getting attention from men in my skinnier days. I’m not sure how to deal with male attention. I’m clearly not interested since my husband is smoking hot, but this problem is different. I realize we are all grownups now, and reality is reality. Men treat you differently if you say screw it and run out of your house in no decent clothing or makeup. Even if it is at a store, a restaurant, wherever, preferential treatment is much more likely if you look like you made some effort. Physically, being WAY overweight has been beneficial because I feel men ignore me. Well, not all of them, but for the most part… As long as that is happening, I don’t have to deal with it. I don’t have to make sure I’m not smiling at them too much or that I don’t say anything out of line. Proper etiquette with men has always been an issue because I relate to men so much better than I relate to women. The concept of “mixed company” is completely lost on me. I’m very blunt and matter-of-fact, and I refuse to respond to hints of any sort. I don’t want anyone to take care of me in any way. It makes me want to throw up a little… But I’m getting there.
Writing all this is scary as hell, but I’m doing it. It’s not a choice anymore; it feels like I must do it. It’s as if there is no option NOT to write. Writing has never felt so compulsory before.
Calorie count for January 1st was 1508! Weighing in on Monday. *crosses fingers*
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